Avoiding looking in the mirror under the guise of busyness and achievement is easy. Having the courage to look deep into ourselves is hard. There are so many ways we can numb, suppress and avoid connecting with that most profound part of ourselves. For some, it is substance abuse, alcohol or drugs. For many leaders I work with, it is workaholism. This was the case for me. I became so busy, ‘successful’ and accomplished in order to avoid doing the inner work.
For most who perform at a high level, “success” comes relatively easily. We learned how to play the system at an early age. We got good grades and did all the right things. By all accounts, we were the winners. After school, this continued into a career, yet no matter how successful we were, there was still an emptiness.
Performing was easy. Finding stillness long enough to take a deep look in the mirror? Well, that is another matter altogether.
Why Look Inward?
Self-Awareness: Understanding our emotions, strengths, and weaknesses allows us to navigate challenges gracefully and authentically. By looking inward, we can identify the roots of our reactions and behaviors, leading to more thoughtful and deliberate actions.
Emotional Regulation: When we acknowledge and process our feelings, we gain control over how we express them. This prevents unintentionally projecting our insecurities or frustrations onto others, fostering healthier relationships and a more positive environment.
Growth and Healing: Inner reflection can uncover past wounds or limiting beliefs that hold us back. By addressing these, we pave the way for personal growth and healing, enabling us to lead with a clear, unburdened mind.
The Dangers of Projection
Misunderstandings: Projecting unresolved issues onto others can lead to misunderstandings and conflicts. We might misinterpret others’ actions or words, seeing them through our insecurities.
Relationship Strain: Projection can strain relationships, both personal and professional. It creates a barrier to genuine connection and understanding, as others may feel unfairly judged or blamed.
Stunted Growth: Avoiding inner reflection means missing out on opportunities for self-improvement. It keeps us in a cycle of reactive behaviour, limiting our potential for leadership and personal fulfillment.
When we want to change our results, we often focus on changing behaviours. The truth is that we need to take a few steps back to make meaningful and lasting change. Our behaviours are a direct result of our decisions. We will never create lasting change until we understand the underlying thoughts, beliefs, and emotions that drive the decisions that produce the behaviours.
“Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct our life, and you will call it fate.”
Carl Jung
How Do We Look Inward?
While the idea of self-reflection is relatively simple, the actual practice of doing it can be much more challenging. A large part of my work with my coaching clients is to dive deep below the water line to identify the things that are interfering with them living their full potential. A good coach can be incredibly helpful in going deep inward.
I use the acronym S.O.A.R. to remind me to stay reflective.
Slow Down: This step emphasizes the importance of practicing the pause in our fast-paced lives to reflect and process our thoughts and emotions truly. Slowing down allows us to be present, mindful, and aware of our inner and outer experiences, giving us the space to understand our needs and feelings more deeply.
Open Up/Observe: Opening up involves being honest with ourselves and others about our emotions, struggles, and experiences. It encourages vulnerability and authenticity, breaking down the barriers that often prevent meaningful connections. On the other hand, observing is about paying close attention to our internal state and the world around us. Observing without judgment can gain valuable insights into our behaviour, patterns, and triggers.
Accept: Acceptance is about acknowledging and embracing all aspects of ourselves, including our flaws, mistakes, and past traumas. It involves letting go of the need for perfection and recognizing that our worth is not diminished by our vulnerabilities. Accepting ourselves as we are paves the way for healing and growth as we learn to treat ourselves with compassion and understanding.
Reconnect: Reconnecting focuses on rebuilding our relationships with ourselves and others. It encourages us to seek out and nurture supportive, empathetic connections that provide a sense of belonging and understanding. Reconnecting also involves engaging with our passions, interests, and values, allowing us to lead more fulfilling and purposeful lives.
Some Pragmatic Practices:
Slowing Down
Deep Breathing: Taking moments throughout the day to intentionally slow down your breath. This simple practice can help calm your mind and center your thoughts.
Practice the Pause: When Michelle and I first started dating, she struggled to slow down. One exercise I started to practice with her was setting a one-minute timer whenever we arrived at our destination. We would then wait for 60 seconds before leaving the car and going to our appointment or dinner date.
The next time you park your car, set the timer for 60 seconds and sit quietly until it goes off.
Open Up / Observe
Two-word Check-in: Randomly throughout your day, ask yourself to identify two words that describe how you are feeling in the moment, such as “I am feeling anxious and tired” or “I am excited and happy.”
Intentional Time with Friend or Partner: Schedule a time to sit with a friend or partner and practice opening up about what is going on in your life and how you feel about that.
Journalling: Writing is a powerful way to really open up. I don’t write to document my thoughts but rather to discover them. You can join my 30 day Journalling Challenge here.
Accept
Self-Compassion: The practice of self-compassion is challenging. Practice self-compassion by speaking to yourself kindly and understandingly. When you make a mistake, remind yourself that it’s a part of being human and not a reflection of your worth. Kristen Neff is a leading researcher on self-compassion and has a lot of great resources at https://self-compassion.org
Reconnect
Quality Time: Spend quality time with loved ones, engaging in activities that foster connection, such as cooking together, playing games, or simply having meaningful conversations.
Community Involvement: Join groups or organizations that align with your interests and values. This can help you build a sense of community and belonging.
Hobbies and Passions: Reconnect with activities that bring you joy and fulfillment. Engaging in these activities can enhance your overall well-being, whether it’s a sport, a creative pursuit, or a new hobby.
Self-Assessment: Take our Connection Continuum self-assessment, which includes powerful reflection questions, to see where you sit on the Continuum of Connection.
