Author: Mike Cameron

Steve (fictional name, true story) had fucked up in a big way. He knew it, and as the leader of the organization he worked for, I knew it too. What I did not know, however, was why this had happened. The mistake was big enough that he could have, and possibly should have been, terminated with cause. Fortunately, I had the awareness to suspend judgment of the event and listen to the whole story.

The short and anonymized version is that Steve had a mental breakdown and ended up on suicide watch at the hospital. It was this temporary breakdown that had caused the mistake, which I also knew was very out of character for this team member.

By practicing non-judgemental listening, I was able to get the full story. Who knows what might have happened if we had terminated Steve because of this error? Instead, we helped get Steve the supports he needed, and he went on to be a valued team member for many years to come.

As human beings, we tend to place judgment on what we see, hear, experience and even what we feel. Our minds, ego and the need to be part of a community (tribal tendencies) can make us judge quickly. Developing self-awareness and empathy and practicing non-judgmental listening effectively counteract the natural tendency to judge. By consciously challenging our biases and being open to diverse perspectives, we can foster a more inclusive and understanding society.

As a lifelong student of effective leadership strategies, here are some valuable insights on a crucial aspect of communication that can transform your workplace dynamics: non-judgmental listening. In today’s fast-paced world, where diverse perspectives thrive, fostering an inclusive environment and understanding the concerns of your team members becomes paramount.

1. Embrace Empathy: Empathy is the cornerstone of non-judgmental listening. Cultivate a genuine desire to understand and connect with your team members. When engaging in conversations, please focus on the speaker’s emotions, body language, and tone to gain deeper insights into their perspectives and concerns. Empathy allows you to transcend preconceived notions and truly grasp the experiences of others.
2. Drop Assumptions and Biases: To practice non-judgmental listening effectively, you must consciously let go of assumptions and biases. Approach each conversation with an open mind, free from preconceived notions about gender, age, or background. Recognize that everyone brings unique experiences, and their insights and contributions are equally valuable.
3. Create a Safe Space: A safe and inclusive environment is vital for non-judgmental listening. Encourage open dialogue, where team members feel comfortable expressing their thoughts and concerns without fear of judgment. Foster an atmosphere of trust and respect where diverse viewpoints are valued and appreciated. By doing so, you empower your team to share their authentic selves.
4. Listen Actively: Non-judgmental listening goes beyond merely hearing words; it requires active engagement. Practice active listening by giving your undivided attention, maintaining eye contact, and providing verbal and non-verbal cues to signal your attentiveness. Ask open-ended questions to encourage deeper reflection and understanding. Remember, practice the pause; silence can be powerful, allowing the speaker to express their thoughts fully.
5. Suspend Evaluation and Respond Thoughtfully: As a leader, it is natural to analyze and evaluate situations quickly. However, during non-judgmental listening, focus on understanding rather than evaluating. Suspend judgment and avoid interrupting or imposing your own opinions. Respond thoughtfully, acknowledging the speaker’s thoughts before offering your perspective.
6. Seek Feedback and Learn: Continual growth is a hallmark of exceptional leadership. Actively seek feedback from your team members on your listening skills. Encourage honest conversations about improving and creating a more inclusive environment. You set a powerful example for others by demonstrating your commitment to personal development.

While non-judgmental listening is not gender specific, in my experience, it can be more challenging for men whose natural tendency is to want to fix things.

Creating a list of how to practice non-judgemental listening is relatively easy. What is hard is actually putting it into practice. If you have taken any leadership training, you likely know most of these points. My challenge for you this week is to focus on employing all of the techniques above in all of your conversations. The first step to change is awareness. At the end of your day, reflect on your interactions and rate yourself on these six items. You can use this worksheet to track your progress.

I’d love to hear how these work for you.

I have written a bit on why I stopped using the term goal and shifted to a new paradigm of finding alignment with outcomes. Language matters. When I shift to setting an intention rather than obsessing about an outcome, I commit to how I am going to show up. I do not commit to a result that is often largely out of my control.

This mental shift has been incredibly liberating and a welcome way to remove unhealthy stress in my life. It doesn’t mean that I do not hold myself accountable to how I show up. It just means that commit to the process, not the result. The following story of an ultramarathon I ran Easter weekend was a great example of this concept.

“You’re in a fight against an opponent you can’t see, but you can feel him on your heels can’t you, feel him breathing down your neck. You know what that is? That’s you, your fears, your doubts and insecurities all lined up like a firing squad ready to shoot you out of the sky. But don’t lose heart, while they are not easily defeated they are far from invincible.”

That little snippet is a line out of one of my favourite motivational short videos. There was a time when I would watch this clip daily. That line really resonated with me. It was a great reminder that all of that negative self-talk was just me.  A reminder that I control that. I get to choose what that voice says and even how that voice says it. 

Manage Negative Self-Talk

Last night at our Connect’d Men’s group, we talked a little bit about that voice. The stories that we tell ourselves. The stories of unworthiness, the stories of not belonging, the stories of “I am the only one.” Those voices can be debilitating when they are at their worst. The problem gets compounded when we, as men, are loathe to acknowledge the voice because we are supposed to be “strong”. We are supposed to be confident. We are supposed to have it all together for everyone around us. The truth is the more we fight those voices and try to forcefully remove them the louder they get. 

Self-compassion is not typically something most men that I know are very good at. That voice in our head is not often gentle and kind. It is usually pretty brutal and vicious. If we are not careful, it can become crippling. 

This weekend I am running the Diez Vista 50km trail race in BC. I have not been running regularly for the last year and a bit due to a torn ligament in my SI joint. This is the first race I have signed up for in a long time. I had a tussle with that voice in my head yesterday. It started telling me all of the reasons why I shouldn’t have signed up for this race. All the reasons why things were going to go wrong.  

Managing the voice in my head

For many years I did not acknowledge that this voice existed. I was a “man” I would power through. I was a business leader; I was an industry leader; I would outwork the voice, and I would “suck it up.” I suspect you know that inner dialogue. While that may have worked for a time, it was a taxing way of dealing with it. Always a fight, always a battle. It was exhausting. Once I began to recognize and acknowledge that voice in my head, I started to have some power over it. 

With awareness comes choice.

Once we acknowledge the voice and start to recognize when it shows up, then we can be proactive in managing it. 

One of the instructors in my graduate program on Executive Coaching had a simple phrase they used to quiet the voices that I really enjoyed. Last night as those voices rattled around in my head, I was reminded of this phrase. I hopped in the hot tub last night to be greeted by the image above. I’m at Mom and Dad’s place, and this cool little duck bobs and weaves around the hot tub, dispensing the pool chemicals needed to keep the hot tub clean. Instantly I could hear my instructor’s mantra.

“Shut the Duck Up!”

This was the phrase she used to silence that inner critic. Imagining that voice as a little duck quacking in her mind. She even went so far as to have a little rubber ducky sitting on her desk to remind her to tell that voice to “Shut the Duck Up!” when it got too loud. I love simple, actionable mantras to keep me grounded. This is one I use often. 

You’ve Got to Name it to Tame it.

I talk about the “name it to tame it” strategy, a term coined by Dan Seigal when it comes to managing our emotions. This strategy can also work well for managing your inner critic. One of the guys in our peer group last night shared a strategy they use to manage that voice. They let that voice speak. However, they give it a name. They name their voice Elmer Fudd, and when it speaks they hear it in his classic cartoon voice. Obviously, the voice has a lot less weight when such an iconic cartoon character speaks the words.

Another mantra I use to manage that voice comes from Dr. Daniel Amen, author of “Change Your Brain, Change Your Life.”

Kill the ANTs

ANT is an acronym for Automatic Negative Thoughts. You know, those voices we have been talking about, the automated response that is often “I can’t…”, “I’m not good enough….” If your brain is a supercomputer, then self-talk is the operating system that runs it.  

Moving Forward

My challenge for you is to start to notice when that self-talk starts to pop into your head.

“Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate.”

Carl Jung

Once you start to notice the voice, you can start to recognize the triggers that activate it and start to practice proactively managing it. I have given you three example strategies above but the truth is that we are all unique and we all have to find the things that work for us. The trick is to make it a regular practice with intention. 

If you want to dive a little deeper into self-compassion, I highly recommend checking out Kristen Neff’s work at Self-Compassion.org. She has a lot of good information and some great practices you can employ.  

I have been a student of leadership for over 30 years. In recent years there has been a lot of talk about the power of vulnerability in leadership. However, many leaders I work with are highly skeptical about this concept. 

I hear a lot of similar viewpoints. “Yeah, they say that is what they want in leadership, but then as soon as we show any signs of weakness, we get trampled!” Despite all the research supporting the power of vulnerability in leadership positions, there is still hesitation in demonstrating it from those at the top. When I started to lead in a business context, I was terrified to show any vulnerability. I believed my team would lose faith in me if I did not appear to have all the answers. 

It took a long time to unlearn that. But, if you are subordinated to a leader that purports to have all the answers, you should rethink your position. A quick Google search can unravel even the most bulletproof display of bravado. Nothing erodes faith and trust in leaders when they spew about things they do not know. 

Vulnerability in leadership also needs to be coupled with authenticity. Leaders who employ false vulnerability as a tactic are quickly found out. The incongruent nature of their being will quickly sour even the most loyal followers. 

There is a plethora of research on the topic if you need empirical data to support the need for vulnerability in our leaders. However, I am not a researcher, and I prefer to show you based on my experience as a business leader for over 25 years and, frankly, what I call common sense. So let’s talk about what I have seen.

Some of the benefits of vulnerability in leadership:

1. Vulnerability fosters trust
   Leaders who bring vulnerability to the workplace allow themselves to be seen as natural, fallible people. Authenticity builds trust within teams as they can see their leaders are not putting up a false front and are willing to admit their shortcomings. That is why we have teams, isn’t it? To provide support and diversity of skills to fill in gaps.
2. Vulnerability can lead to better communication.
   When we, as leaders, are open and honest about our thoughts and feelings, it encourages others to do the same. By modelling the way, we create a culture of open, direct communication that allows for a deeper understanding within a team. As a result, it fosters more effective collaboration.
3. Vulnerability can create a sense of psychological safety.
   When leaders create an environment of psychological safety, it leads to innovation and experimentation. When a leader is willing to share their shortcomings, it allows team members to more readily take calculated risks, which can contribute to the organization’s growth.
4. Vulnerability fosters connection
   When leaders demonstrate vulnerability, it can create a sense of belonging amongst the team. This feeling of connection makes a more cohesive team and is a fantastic recipe for preventing burnout and excessive stress amongst the team.
5. Self-awareness is the foundation for leadership.
   There is a level of vulnerability required for us to see our shortcomings. With it, growth becomes more accessible. When we dare to drop the armour and honestly assess our abilities as well as our weaknesses, it allows us the choice to improve. With awareness comes choice. 

Now that we have discussed some of the benefits of vulnerability in leadership let’s talk about how to do it. It may seem a little counterintuitive to think there can be a wrong way to do vulnerability, but there most certainly is. I believe this makes people skeptical about the power of vulnerability. 

Vulnerability is not:

• Standing in front of your team and saying, “I have no idea what I am doing.” even if you don’t. There is a way to admit your uncertainty without undermining your team’s confidence. 
• Spewing out all of your personal problems in the workplace. Where appropriate, it may make sense to share some personal struggles if they impact how you show up in the workplace; however, your team is not your therapist. 
• Owning everyone else’s mistakes and shortcomings
• Sharing everything without any boundaries

What vulnerability should look like:

• Sharing your thoughts, feelings and opinions even if it goes against the grain. Having the courage to say, “I may be wrong, but…” can lead to a raft of others nodding in agreement. So many times, we all think the same thing but are afraid to say it. 
• Have the courage to challenge the process even when you are uncertain.
• Seek genuine feedback from the team
• Ask for help. I have seen many times when things went awry because a leader did not dare to ask for help from their team. 
• Encourage vulnerability in others. Creating a culture of safety and openness leads to a more inclusive, and supportive workplace. 
• Maintain accountability and appropriate boundaries. Vulnerability in leadership without accountability and boundaries is a recipe for disaster. 

The bottom line is that vulnerability in leadership can be a powerful tool that fosters authenticity and trust. It can inspire others to take risks, create a sense of belonging and lead to personal and professional growth. In addition, vulnerability in leadership builds strong relationships within the organization and a positive team dynamic when appropriately done.

Like any other leadership skill, vulnerability takes practice. Unfortunately, I still do not get it right every time, but I am willing to experiment and repeat it.