Growing Leadership Capacity Through Connection
Many leaders struggle to accept support, believing they must have all the answers to be effective. In reality, that belief often limits their capacity rather than strengthening it.
After a decade of facilitating hundreds of men’s groups and working with male executives, I’ve seen how costly this belief can be.
Both personally and organizationally.
In this post-Covid era, where we are working really hard to remove the stigma around mental health and normalize men asking for help, there is a piece that we are missing. We need to give ourselves and our leaders permission to accept support. That support does not mean weakness. Seeking and accepting support is critical for building leadership capacity.
The Hidden Pattern
Too many executives operate in a cycle of conditional worth:
- When I prove myself, then I can rest.
- When the company stabilizes, then I’ll ask for help.
- When I solve this alone, then I’ll be a credible leader.
This “when this, then that” mindset creates isolation at the very moment support would improve decision-making.
This pattern is where I was stuck for a long time, and it was the perfect recipe for burnout, decision fatigue, and negative ripples throughout the culture of the corporation I was trying to lead.
The Audience Stood, He Accepted Support, He Performed at His Best
Last week I was in Toronto helping to host a professional speakers incubator. We recorded some podcast conversations with some exceptionally talented speakers and artists. Our conversation, at one point, turned to standing ovations. We discussed the feeling of receiving that level of recognition from the audience, what it meant, and how often it happened.
Eventually our host turned the question to ask, “How many times when you have received a standing ovation did you feel you deserved it?”
Wali, a spoken word artist, shared a story. He recounted a time when he had written a new poem, rehearsed it relentlessly, yet when he hit the stage, his mind went blank.
You could see all the speakers in the room lean in with empathy. We have all been there in our careers at some point. That forgotten line, the blanking out of the next story, or forgetting whether we had already made the point we were about to make.
Wali said he stood there, lost and empty for a solid thirty seconds. The audience eventually recognized his stage fright, rose, and gave him a standing ovation before he uttered a word.
Wali said, “I certainly didn’t deserve that one!”
I had an instant, visceral reaction to that statement. “Hell yeah, you did! Every single one of us is worthy of love and support, regardless of how we perform.”
That audience showed up for him. By allowing them to support him, he gave them a gift. By receiving the support, he allowed the circle to be completed.
“Oddly enough, at that moment the words came rushing back to me!” Wali shared. I realized there was nothing odd about that moment. He accepted the support of the audience, and that moment allowed him to proceed. He said that it ended up being one of the best performances of his life.
A Universal Leadership Truth
We often refuse help because we don’t want to be a burden. But look at what happened in that room in Toronto: The audience wanted to support Wali. By standing and cheering for his silence, they were participating in the art with him.
When you refuse support, you aren’t being “strong”—you are being stingy. You are denying your team, your friends, and your family the opportunity to contribute to you. You are breaking the circle. Leadership isn’t just about how much you can put out; it’s about how much of a “current” you allow to flow through you.
As Wali shared his story, I realized how common it is for leaders (men most times that I see) to feel undeserving of support. My reaction was deep and visceral when I considered the number of leaders struggling in silence, trying to navigate life alone. In particular, when men cannot find answers alone, they often compound their shame. Amplifying their feelings of unworthiness. Further preventing them from seeking help.
This shame spiral, the belief that we must be ‘fixed’ before we are ‘seen’, creates a wake of destruction. When we turn inwards to solve the problem alone, we aren’t just being stoic; we are practicing disconnection.
Unfortunately, solving the problem on our own rarely happens. Instead, we just get better at hiding. This is the ‘Hidden Pattern’ of the old patriarchal playbook: Be the provider, have the answers, never be the burden. But those old systems are crumbling, and they’ve left a vacuum of confusion in their wake. Men are struggling to understand how to show up when the old rules don’t work anymore. The result isn’t just a poor quarter at work, it’s a crisis of isolation. We see it in the record numbers of men dying by suicide and the preventable violence born of suppressed pain. To change the future, we must redefine what ‘worthy’ means. We need to accept being ‘under construction’ and still maintain connection.
The Researcher
Dr. John Oliffe, Professor and Canada Research Chair in Men’s Health Promotion at The University of British Columbia, discusses the concept of “three I’s” in men’s mental health.
- Injury
- Internalization
- Isolation.
He explains that when men experience an injury, they often look inward for solutions, a process known as internalization.
When they cannot find a solution on their own, they isolate themselves. This isolation only compounds their problems rather than resolving them. The same holds true in leadership circles.
The Unsuspecting Leader
I recall a member of our Connect’d Men community, Dan, who frequently shares his story. A good friend invited him to join our community after a marital breakdown. He refused to take part because he felt he had nothing to offer. He believed he had no value to bring to the group, which led him to avoid showing up for many months.
This decision to eschew connection only exacerbated his challenges.
Eventually, he found the courage to join the community despite his feelings of inadequacy, and has since become one of the strongest community leaders. It is truly powerful to witness this transformation.
When Wali and Dan allowed a connection to the community to support them, their world changed. The requirement for support is not just a possibility but an inevitability. It took courage to accept the support.
For Wali, the community regulated his nervous system. For Dan, it restored his identity, leadership, and purpose.
Why do we wait until rock bottom to allow connection into our lives?
How many days, months, and years get wasted denying the very connection that is required to move us forward?
Kurt Vonnegut wrote, “Of all the words of mice and men, the saddest are ‘it might have been.’”
We spend our lives waiting for the “Then.”
When I am successful, then I will connect.
When I am healed, then I will lead.
But as Wali and Dan both discovered, the connection is the requirement for the success, not the reward for it. Don’t let “What might have been” be your epitaph because you were too proud to let someone stand for you while you were silent.
Look in the mirror. Ask the question. Then, and this is the hardest part,listen to the answer.
