Why technical intelligence fails under pressure, and the one “soft skill” that actually determines peak performance.
When I tell people I’ve run 215 miles in a single race, they usually look at me like I am out of my mind. Once they regroup, they ask about the finish line, about how long it took and whether I slept or not.
They don’t ask about the 3:00 AM fugue state, where sleep deprivation turned the trees into shifting shadows and a map malfunction took me half a mile off course, stumbling blindly into the brush.
In that moment, I wasn’t an “elite athlete.” I was lost, exhausted, and spiralling quickly. I texted Michelle in a panic, knowing she had no way to actually help me, but seeking comfort in the connection.
I only found my way back because I spotted the faint flicker of another runner’s headlamp in the distance. I yelled out, my voice cracking, begging them to stay still so I could use their light as a fixed marker to find the trail again.
People respect the physical and mental training that goes into surviving a feat like that. No one expects you to finish 200 miles without a rigorous training block. We respect the physical tax of the trail.
Yet, we don’t apply that same logic to our daily lives.
We expect ourselves to navigate the high-stakes “ultra-marathons” of leadership and fatherhood without a single day of emotional training. We treat our internal world as if it should just “work” on its own. We want the performance, but we ignore the emotional wellness required to sustain it. As men, we are conditioned to believe that emotions are a weakness—that “real men” don’t cry or struggle. While these myths are being challenged more often now, I’m not sure we truly understand the stakes.
Organizations will pay good money to boost performance, yet they still look at wellness as a “nice to have.” But the truth is, you cannot sustain peak performance while neglecting your internal state.
From Intelligence to Competence
In our professional lives, we focus on technical skills, often neglecting the most critical ingredient for high-performing individuals: Emotional Competence. I use the word competence with intention. Emotional Intelligence has rightly gained traction over the last few decades, and I meet many leaders who claim to have it. They’ve read the books and taken the courses. But when I watch them operate, it’s clear they aren’t emotionally competent.
They lose their temper at inopportune times, fail to recognize how their actions impact their teams, and seem incapable of regulating their own nervous systems.
As AI advances and technical knowledge becomes a commodity, these “soft skills” will be the only remaining competitive advantage.
Think of it like golf. A high-performance coach could teach me everything about the mechanics of a swing. I could have all the “golf intelligence” in the world, but until I spend countless hours practicing that knowledge, my competence remains low. The skill is built through practice, not theory.
The Practice of the “Hill Repeat”
Realizing this was life-changing for me. When I accept that I must be “in training” to become emotionally adept, it changed my relationship with stress. I no longer see an emotional trigger as a failure; I see it as a hill repeat. It is an opportunity to train.
When I fail to respond as the man I want to be, I no longer rain down holy hell in self-judgment (Gents, can you relate?)
I recognize that I simply hit a limit in my current “fitness.” I find self-compassion, acknowledge the progress, and get back to the practice.
This week, I challenge you to treat your emotional triggers like a training run. When you feel the “burn” of emotional activation, don’t walk away. Use the S.O.A.R. method as your reps:
- Slow Down: Practice the pause. Take a deep breath. Count to ten.
- Observe: Notice the reaction. What is the emotion? Where do you feel it physically? Label it.
- Accept: Stop the war against the feeling. In Buddhism, there is a formula: Suffering = Pain times Resistance. When you tell yourself you shouldn’t feel something, you multiply the suffering. Acceptance is simply letting go of resistance so the emotion can move through you.
- Reconnect: Reconnect with the person you want to be. Reconnect with your values.
Let me know if this resonates with you. How are you practicing Emotional Competence this week?
