What Does “Stuck” Look Like (and how to get unstuck in life)

Blog Audio

How to get unstuck in life

As I sit here at my computer, with my Pomodoro Technique timer quietly counting down I sit staring at a blank computer screen. A list of a million different “things I could be doing” starts to form in my head. The procrastination monster is strong in this one my friend. I have so many different pieces I want to write. I have the beginnings of several books in my head, I even have some of them started. I have committed to publishing at least one article per week. There is no shortage of things to do yet somehow I still feel like I’m not even sure where to start. 

For me this is one of the myriad forms of what “stuck” feels like. It comes into my life a lot and requires an immense amount of discipline to move through it. Discipline. That seems to be the answer for me.

For many of the clients I work with in a one on one coaching capacity, the reason they came to me is because of this feeling of “stuckness”. Often they come from the context of business. They feel like they have hit a bit of a plateau and are restricted in their ability to move their business forward. 

I find it fascinating to note that typically when someone comes to me with this feeling of “stuck” or they report that something is impeding their business growth, we almost always find that the “stuck” extends out to most arenas in their life. 

I can’t tell you how many times when talking to a business leader we end up spending a fair amount of time talking about their personal relationships. Almost always it ends with a “Well, I really didn’t expect that we would go down that path!”

For many visionary leaders there comes a time in their life where they feel overwhelmed. They feel defeated with the sheer enormity of what they want to bring to the world. The weight of the task at hand becomes crippling at times so they stick with the tried and true. They stay with what they know or at least what they think they know. The challenge of course is the well known quote “If you continue to do what you have always done you will continue to get what you’ve always got.” 

And that my friends is exactly what “stuck” feels like. 

Add to that the feelings of anxiety, depression and our desire to avoid difficult emotions, it can become very easy to get caught up in a cycle of avoidance and procrastination. Stuck might include a fear of success, it might include a fear of failure, it might include a longing so large that it seems impossible, causing indecision and paralysis of action. 

How do we break out of stuck?

Motivation follows action. For me there have been many times where I have sought to cultivate motivation in order to inspire me to take action. I spend time reading texts, listening to speeches and digesting words of wisdom from gurus around the world. 

There are certainly days where I feel ill equipped to carry on my mission. There are times where I feel like I just need to learn a little bit more. That I need just a little more training, knowledge or expertise to move forward.

There is this feeling of imposter syndrome. Often accompanied by the question “Who the fuck am I to think I can do this?” Or “Who am I to think that people will care about what I have to say or what my vision is?” Surely I need to be better before I can proceed.

While there are times when you need to enhance skills, this line of thinking can also very easily contribute to the “stuckness” by giving us a justifiable place to spend our time. After all, we are taking in knowledge, we are learning and we are growing. Certainly that is a worthwhile endeavor right?

Sure. Maybe. Well, no not really. 

My guess is that you likely have all the knowledge you need to get unstuck and what you really need is to take action. It took me a long time to realize that it isn’t motivation that drives action but rather action that drives motivation. Seeking motivation is simply another form of procrastination. In his book The War of Art, Stephen Pressfield talks about Resistance, that mythical force that keeps you stuck. 

He has a very eloquent way of defining “Resistance” and talks about how ‘Seeking support” can easily be just another form of resistance.

“Seeking support from friends and family is like having people gathered around at your deathbed. It’s nice, but when the ship sails, all they can do is stand on the dock waving goodbye”

Stephen Pressfield

In my experience, “stuck” rarely has anything to do with a lack of knowledge, resources, or preparation and almost always has to do with a lack of action. It is not about looking for external resources, conditions or information. It is all about our internal discipline. 

What can we do?

Once we realize and accept that “stuckness” is internal then we can start to make change. As my friend and editor, who is a Canadian living in the southern United States reminded me, being stuck feels like spinning your wheels. It feels like being caught in a heavy Canadian snowfall with nothing but summer tires on your vehicle. It doesn’t matter how hard you tromp on the gas pedal your tires just spin faster and faster. 

In order to break out of being stuck in a snowstorm it means that we need to first off slow down. If you’ve read or listened to any of my other work this may be starting to sound familiar to you. The first piece of almost any puzzle is to slow the F down. In our snowstorm analogy taking your foot off the gas is the first thing that needs to happen. When we talk about this in the context of being stuck in a snowstorm it immediately makes sense. It doesn’t matter how hard you push the gas pedal, all you do is spin faster. 

Most of us have been in this situation at one point or another in our lives. However when it comes to business, life and what we want to accomplish, this idea of taking our foot off the gas is incredibly counterintuitive. I mean certainly if you want to move forward faster you need to be working harder, doing more not less right? 

The reality is that this is not at all the case and in fact just like spinning your tires in the snow the harder we work, the more we push, the deeper the rut that we are stuck in starts to become. This is what makes “stuck” feel all the more frustrating. 

“It doesn’t make any sense!” 
“I’m working harder than ever, why am I not moving forward??!!”

Sometimes when we are stuck it isn’t even just that we need to take our foot off the gas, but sometimes we actually need to put the car into reverse. Sometimes we need to put a little backward momentum into our efforts. 

If you’ve ever been stuck in a Canadian snowstorm you likely know this well. There’s this art to putting the car in reverse and then back to drive. Creating a rocking motion. Slowly but surely starting to build some momentum so that you can eventually move far enough forward that you are out of the rut and back on solid ground.  

Why do we get stuck?

Once we start to slow down we can really take a look at where this stuck feeling is coming from. I am cautious writing these words since much of “stuck” for me can be perpetuated with over analysis. Don’t spend a lot of time here but see if any of these resonate with you. 

Authenticity

Stuck can come when we start to play a role in our life, when we stop being authentic and we try to live the kind of life that we think others feel we should be living.

Environment 

Stuck can also be a result of being held back. Your environment. What is the environment that you have created for yourself? Who is it that you are surrounding yourself with? Is it time to reevaluate all of that?

Commitments

What are you committed to? Who are you committed to? Are these commitments moving you forward or are they holding you back? Is it time to reevaluate what and who you are committed to?

These are incredibly difficult questions to really look at with open and honest eyes. It is really hard to have a deep, honest look in the mirror. The truth is that often “stuck” is a result of our reluctance to look at what is holding us back. The truth is that if we were to actually admit what is keeping us stuck, we might have to make some difficult decisions. So instead of having an honest look at ourselves we avoid and distract.

In business I have seen this in the form of ignoring employees whom we really like but truly are not a fit for the role they are in. Maybe if we have an honest look in the mirror in a business context it means we need to adjust our budget, or have a difficult conversation with a supplier, competitor, colleague or boss. 

In personal life there are many things that might be keeping us stuck. Do we need to improve our physical, mental or emotional fitness? That takes time, effort and commitment.

Do we need to cut some people out of our lives? 
Do we need to stop drinking, gambling, overeating? 

These are all incredibly difficult decisions we have to make and even once we make them we have to have the discipline to see it through. When we find ourselves “stuck” it is often because we are not willing to have honest conversations about these decisions that need to be made. 

Before I wrap things up, I want to talk about one of the biggest reasons people remain “stuck” by choice. Even when they have identified the thing that is keeping them stuck it can still be hard to move forward for this one major reason. I have had this conversation with dozens, if not hundreds of people.    

Sunk cost fallacy

The Sunk Cost Fallacy describes our tendency to follow through on an endeavor if we have already invested time, effort, or money into it, whether or not the current costs outweigh the benefits.

In other words, the more time and energy we have invested into a course of action, a relationship or a certain direction the harder it becomes to abandon. This happens because no matter how logical we like to think we are, our decisions are heavily influenced by our emotions. Feelings of guilt, regret or even shame if we do not follow through with a decision influence our desire to stick with it even if that decision no longer serves us. 

Sunk Cost Fallacy is tied to commitment bias where we continue to support past decisions despite new evidence that the decision may not be the appropriate one.

Conclusion

As I write this I realize I could easily write an entire book on what it feels like to be stuck, and how to move forward out of the “stuckness”. I hope that this article has given you a little food for thought and I will leave you with another Stephen Pressfield quote from “The War of Art”.

“It’s not the writing that is hard. It’s the sitting down to write.”    

Stephen Pressfield
How to get unstuck in life

Pressfield is speaking in the context of writing however this statement can be applied to any course of action. It’s not the doing of the thing that is hard, it is starting doing the thing that is hard. That being the case then let’s make sure our energy is focused on starting the thing.

If you take nothing else from this article then take this, motivation follows action. Therefore action is the most important piece. You don’t need any more skill, you don’t need any more knowledge, you don’t need any more support, you simply need to take action. 

If you have a list of 1000 things you need to do and don’t know where to start, simply close your eyes and point at the list. The item you land on is where you start. Don’t second guess, just sit down and get it done. 

Motivation follows action.

Where You Sit Determines What You See

Audio Blog

Her three year old son sat in the back seat of the car as she stopped at a traffic light. They liked to play word games while driving so she asked him what color the traffic light was. 

He replied “It’s green mommy! It’s green!”

A little dismayed that her otherwise bright boy would misidentify the color of the light she nudged him again. “Well son, we’re stopped right now so let me ask you again. What color is the traffic light?” 

Once again he replied emphatically “It’s green mommy! It’s green!”  

“No son, the light is red.” She said

“It’s green mom!”

She decided to leave it alone at the moment but the incident stayed with her. She thought about the possibility of him being color blind. She chuckled to herself “It must be my husband’s fault for this sight deficiency” She was worried however and somewhat prone to catastrophizing the stories started to swirl in her head. Was he just not as bright as I thought he was? Was there some type of disorder or syndrome at play?

It wasn’t til about three weeks later when her mother in law was in town and her husband driving she sat in the back seat. As she sat there with her child’s vantage point she looked up and realized that the height of the headrest on the front seat made it impossible for her boy to have a decent view out the front window. There was no way he could have seen the traffic light in front of the car. 

Puzzled, she let that sink in for a second. Her mind jumped back to the scene earlier when he had misidentified the color of the light. 

In a heartbeat it all came clear. He wasn’t color blind, he wasn’t dim witted, he did not have some sort of brain abnormality. What he had was a different view of the world than she did at that moment. 

He had been looking out the side window at the light for the cross traffic. That light was 100% green when she had asked him the question. Now she could only imagine his thought process at the time. “Well, my mother seems bright on most other accounts. I don’t know why she’s insisting the light is red. Maybe she’s color blind. Maybe she has some kind of disorder” 

Where you sit determines what you see. 

This is a highly paraphrased version of a story that author Sheila Heen shared in a recent interview with Tim Ferriss. Sheila is the New York times best selling author of  Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most

I would highly recommend checking out the interview. This story however, was the nugget that stuck out the most to me. As a leadership and business coach and someone who is always striving to grow, I keep my eye open for easy to carry insights. Three or four word mantras or phrases that very quickly get to the heart of an issue. One of my core values is the value of Empathy. My value mantra for Empathy is “Seek first to understand”. When I heard this story and heard this phrase I knew it would stick, giving me yet another anchor to my value of empathy. 

Where you sit determines what you see.

I think most of us would like to believe that we have the capacity for empathy. We care about how others feel and how the way in which we interact with them makes them feel as well. I haven’t met many people that willingly state that they don’t give a shit about anyone but themselves. 

Most of us would say that we are kind and caring individuals. Myself included. However, this story is an excellent reminder that sometimes in order to understand the views, feelings and experiences of those around us we might need to change where we sit. At minimum we need to be able to acknowledge that where we sit determines what and how we see the world. 

Coming at any of the difficult conversations we face in the world today through this lens really starts to open possibilities. It opens up opportunities to see things through the lens of another. It allows us to realize that our view may be substantially different from those we are interacting with. 

I love getting out to the mountains and I have a lot of outdoorsy friends. Many are very adventurous and like to climb mountains that provide some incredible views of the Canadian Rocky Mountains. There are a few spots that are favourites and summit photos often get shared on social media. Yesterday a friend posted a photo of a mountain summit that I know to have stunning vistas and views. Yesterday, however, that was not the case. Those vistas were shrouded in a deep dense fog which completely obliterated any possibility of a decent view. 

That same location had been visited by a different set of friends the weekend prior and they had shared some beautiful, blue sky, soft cloud views that stretched for as far as the eye could see. How is that possible? How is it that the exact same view can look so different from one day to the next? 

When we think in terms of mountain views and inclement weather there really is no need to explore or explain. We simply understand that what we see is going to be different depending on the environment we are in. 

Yet when it comes to having deep, meaningful and especially difficult conversations it is significantly more challenging to consider factors that might cause someone who is looking at the exact same view to see it completely differently. Their lens may well be different from the lens that you are viewing the world through. 

My vantage point of the world as a middle aged white dude is substantially different from many of those in marginalized communities. If I want to have meaningful conversations about how to impact change I need to be able to recognize and acknowledge that the seat I have at the table is very likely to create a ton of blind spots. 

My social status, class, gender and ethnicity is simply one of many more examples that illustrates this.

Where we sit determines what we see.

Can you imagine how our conversations might start to alter if we can start to see things through the lens of another? 

What kind of deeper understanding could we gain if we really became adept at changing where we sit, allowing us to see the world differently?

This doesn’t mean that you need to let go of your beliefs, perspectives or ideas. It does mean though that you should start to look at them from different angles. Challenge your beliefs and attitudes from the viewpoint of another. See how they might shift. Change where you sit so that you can change what you see. 

It’s so easy to dismiss beliefs and ideas that are not congruent with our own. It’s easy to say “That just doesn’t make any sense at all” and move on. However, just like in the story of the young boy, sometimes when you do a little more digging the source of those opposing viewpoints becomes crystal clear. It is only when you can see clearly from the view of another that you can start to have the conversations that move the needle.

I talked earlier about values and my value mantras. Another one for me that fits very well here is the value of curiosity. My mantra around curiosity is “Curiosity Over Judgement”. A reminder for me that anytime I start to get a little judgemental, to jump back to curiosity. A reminder that I perhaps need to do a little more digging to understand why someone views the world differently than I do.    

My challenge for you today is the next time you run into a conversation where there are opposing views, see if you can take a moment, pause and reflect on how you are seeing things. Challenge yourself to shift your perspective. Move yourself to that back seat like the young boy in the story and see how the world starts to change. 

Everything is Sales: Simple sales tools for everybody, everywhere

Most people think sales is icky

The truth is that sales is a part of everything we do.

I love selling. I think it is one of the most underrated skills on the planet. Everything is sales and today I am going to tell you why you need to be a better salesperson. I’m also going to tell you how you can do that.

WAIT!! Don’t go! I can imagine what you are thinking right now. “Um, hell no Mike. I hate sales. I never want to be THAT person. I’m outta here!” 

Let me tell you why you should change that mindset and give you some sales tools you can actually use. I recognize that most people think of “selling” as a bad thing. There is this visceral feeling that sales is all about manipulating someone into buying something they don’t need. Take a pause. Take a breath. Let that feeling settle.

The truth is that all of us sell. All the time. In all facets of life. We can’t avoid it. Sales is all around us and it is part of our life. Let’s look at a few examples that we don’t immediately think of as sales. 

Non-profit Organizations

Do you do volunteer work? Do you donate to charities?

At some point you had to be “sold” on those organizations worthiness of your time and or money. 

I do a lot of volunteer work in the nonprofit sector. It is one of the ways that I give back and find some meaning in my life. I serve on committees and boards, I discount some of my professional services in order to make a contribution to the fabric of our society.  

I come from a 25 year background in sales and business. I often see things differently than those who have spent their life in the non-profit sector. I often hear “We’re non-profit. We don’t sell anything.” Wrong!

I’m here to challenge that way of thinking. 

You see as a non-profit with a cause you are 100% in the business of sales whether you want to acknowledge it or not. Whether we are talking about fundraising, grant requests or something a little less obvious like having the clientele you serve buy into your message or service. You are constantly selling people on getting behind your cause. We are all vying for the same limited resources. There are private, for profit corporations that spend billions of dollars to gain the time, attention and dollars of the same consumers you serve. 

Isn’t the “product” you “sell” more valuable than a Coca-Cola? Then you better gain at least some skill in selling what it is you do. 

Parenting

If you are a parent you know this. As a parent you are selling all the time. 

You are ‘selling’ your kids on the idea of doing their homework. 

You are selling them on the idea of cleaning up their rooms. 

As a parent I definitely had things I enjoyed doing with my kids more than others. I also had the things I really disliked doing with my kids. 

Anyone remember Caillou?? If you know, you know. 

If you have ever had to sit and watch that TV show you know exactly what I am talking about. I became very adept at the art of selling my kids on the idea of an alternate TV shows.

My kids are now 18 and 20. Both graduated from high school and both unsure about what path to take. Clearly I have a little bit of experience figuring out which path to take. My challenge today is to “sell” my kids on listening to the wisdom of that experience as they debate career paths and schooling choices. This may be the most difficult thing I have ever had to “sell” and I certainly do not have the magic formula for “closing” this “sale”. 

Relationships

In your intimate partner relationship there is always a modicum of sales. Again understanding that sales isn’t about persuading someone to do something they don’t want but rather it is about helping people with their buying decision. When you and your partner are making decisions on vacation destinations, options for your kids, or even where to go on date night you are actively engaged in the sales process.  

The truth is that I make an effort to ‘sell’ my partner on the ‘value’ of being with me every day. You may feel that I shouldn’t have to ‘sell’ my partner on being with me. You are right. I shouldn’t HAVE to, however how much better is my relationship because I choose to make that effort?

How strong would your relationship be if you sought to actively demonstrate your value every single day?

Engaging Men and Boys in Violence Prevention

If you have followed me for awhile you know that I am an advocate for the prevention of violence against women. For those who I work with in the violence prevention space the question often arises “Why should we have to ‘sell’ what we do? Doesn’t it just make sense? Doesn’t everyone want a world with less violence?” 

Obviously the answer is an emphatic “Hell Yeah” The reality is that for those who are not living with the direct impacts of domestic violence the message is pretty easy to tune out.

We live in a noisy world. If we want our message to be heard we have to constantly demonstrate the value of listening to what we have to say.

My Sales Pitch 

When Colleen was murdered, I started looking hard at how I could best make an impact in the world. How I might somehow make a dent in the problem of violence against women. I reflected on her experience with the justice system and where things could have been done differently to prevent such a tragic outcome. There were certainly a lot of areas where how the ‘system’ handled her case could be improved. 

However, it became clear to me that the best way to prevent violence against women was not by improving the justice system. It wasn’t about building a better restraining order. These were simply symptoms to a bigger problem. The real question for me became 

“How do we prevent men from getting to this point in the first place?”

I know that if you asked men about violence against women the vast majority of them would tell you that it is not OK. Ever. Period. End of story. However we know the reality is that violence still happens and that the majority of violence in any domain is perpetrated by men. So how do we engage men in the conversation when most of them are not directly part of the problem or at least do not believe that they are part of the problem?

For me the answer is pretty obvious. The solution ties back to a field that I have studied for 25 years in the context of sales and leadership. For decades I have studied the impact emotion has on human behavior. 

When violence occurs It is not often an overt desire to be violent.  More often than not it is a burst of unmanaged emotion that drives an undesirable behavior. I talk about the science behind this a lot in my Keynotes as well as my TEDx talk

We make decisions based on emotion, if we do not understand the underlying emotion that drives the decisions we make then we have little hope of living a purposeful life. 

I come back to the statement that emotionally connected men do not abuse their partners. 

Emotionally connected men do not kill people. 

  • Emotionally connected men do not kill themselves. 
  • Emotionally connected men make better fathers. 
  • Emotionally connected men make better leaders.
  • Emotionally connected men live richer lives and do less harm.

The man that killed Colleen was a man that made a decision with very permanent consequences based on a very temporary emotion.

Teaching men to become more self aware when it comes to emotions is not necessarily a compelling sales pitch to someone who does not believe that he currently does not, nor will ever  be in an abusive relationship. 

A more identifiable problem however is the truth that men everywhere are hurting. Suicide rates, depression, anxiety are at all time highs. Men are seeking solutions to these challenges and I can assure you that there is overlap in the solution. 

So the sales pitch, if you will, is for men to become more emotionally connected for their own benefit. For them to become more emotionally vulnerable and to take stock of their feelings and how those feelings impact how they show up in the world. 

If you were to ask men if they would like a “product” that will alleviate violence against women most will shrug their shoulders and say “meh, maybe. As long as it doesn’t cost too much”.

However if you ask those same men if they would like a “product” that will fill that gaping hole in their soul, a ‘product’ that will lift the crushing weight of the world off their shoulders, I can assure you that the answer will be a resounding “Hell yes!”

For me it becomes very clear that preventing violence against women is only part of the sales pitch. The more compelling sales pitch for most men is about helping them deal with their own shit. Many men are feeling lost, alone, stuck and unsure how to navigate the world. Many men would be loath to admit that for fear of repercussions from the rest of our kind. 

Bell Hooks, an american feminst author says it well. 

“The first act of violence that patriarchy demands of males is not violence toward women. Instead patriarchy demands of all males that they engage in acts of psychic self-mutilation, that they kill off the emotional parts of themselves. If an individual is not successful in emotionally crippling himself, he can count on patriarchal men to enact rituals of power that will assault his self-esteem.”

Bell Hooks

You see if we can help men to deal with their own shit, teach them to heal their past traumas, insecurities and get comfortable with who they are, then much of the violence in this world goes away. Period. End of story. 

Sales Tools to take with you

The bottom line is that I am here to sell you on the fact that everything in life is sales. That whatever you want to achieve or whoever you want to be in this world likely relies on your ability to convince (aka sell) another human being on a thought, an idea, a service or a product. 

So rather than resist “selling” because you are “not that person”, perhaps it is in your (and the world’s) best interest for you to start to learn to be more effective in the art of persuasion regardless of your formal role or title. 

There are thousands of books written on how to be a better salesperson. Hopefully I have convinced you that sales is a skill you need to have in your arsenal. Today let me leave you with a few of the most powerful sales insights that I have come across over the years.  

Sales is a listening proposition

This one is important. Especially if we are talking about selling something you are passionate about. It is very, very easy for us to get caught up in promoting our message. In espousing the virtues of the service that we offer. The problem is that when we get wrapped up in vehemently sharing our message, regardless of how powerful it may be to you, we can easily miss what is important to the person you are talking to. The mantra below is one of my favorites when it comes to sales. When I am at my best I use this as a reminder to do more listening and less talking. 

Mantra: If you are telling you aren’t selling

Simple Sells

The more complex the idea the more difficult it is to get communal buy in. The less complicated you can make your idea, request or product the easier it becomes to demonstrate the value that it holds. This means that it makes a lot of sense to spend some time breaking down your message into simple, bite-sized, digestible pieces. Get intentional about this so that you have your sound bites ready when an opportunity arises. Sit down and write out a simple version of the message that you want to convey. Then experiment. Watch how people react and respond to your message and refine it based on what you notice.  

Mantra: Uncomplicate

We buy on emotion, justified by logic

We discussed this earlier. There is a ton of scientific evidence that supports the fact that as human beings we make decisions based on emotion. Find ways to make an emotional connection between the person you are persuading and the idea you want them to embrace. When I am on stage I will often tell the story of how, at the age of 26 years old, I bought my first Porsche. The sales person at the dealership knew this insight well. 

It didn’t take him long to help make a powerful connection between me and that car. He illustrated how I would feel as a young, up and coming businessman driving around in this fancy car. We buy on emotion. I can assure you that there was nothing logical about buying a Porsche at 26 years old.

I still remember the first time I shared that purchase with my Dad. “What do you think?” I said. He looked at me and said “Yes, it is very nice. Only slightly more expensive than our first house.”

Stories are the most powerful sales tool 

Stories are an important part of our culture. It is how ideas are passed from one generation to the next. When it comes to creating a meaningful connection with another human being it turns out that stories are a powerful way of doing that.

People are more likely to remember a story than a fact, or even an idea. I remember when I used to teach an affordable housing workshop. At one point I would share some ideas on how to pay off your mortgage faster. These tips included increasing payment frequency and making lump sum payments.

I demonstrated the ideas by sharing the story of how I removed a single expense from our household. I would tell them about how we used to have a water cooler in the house that we paid a monthly fee to have refilled and maintained. I got rid of the water cooler and immediately applied the monthly savings to our mortgage payments thus carving a few years off of our mortgage.

One day I had a woman come up to me in the grocery store. She had taken the workshop five years earlier. She approached me and said “Hey, you’re that water cooler guy aren’t you?” You see, all those years later, she remembered the story. I wrote another piece about this a few years ago. You can read that here…

Mantra: Sell it with a story 

I’ve spent 25 years practicing the art of persuasion. There is always more to learn. Let me know what has been valuable to you in this article. Consider sharing it with someone you know that would find it valuable. Most importantly please share with me some of your favorite insights when it comes to sales and the art of persuasion.

How to Navigate Life’s Transitions

“The only constant in life is change”-Heraclitus

This statement has never been more applicable than it has in the last 18 months. Every single one of us has gone through massive, unforeseeable, and unavoidable change. The real key is how we adapt to that change and how we navigate the transitions from the old way of being to the new way of being. Today I want to share a little bit of my story with you and some of the ways I have navigated the transitions in my life.

In December of 2019 I sold the business that I had started from scratch 16 years earlier. My intention was to transition my career from CEO of a large organization to speaking professionally in the leadership and men’s health arena. Imagine the feeling. Moving from success to significance with a healthy exit from my business and a slate of speaking engagements lined up. The future was definitely bright indeed. 

I’m sure you can guess the next part of the story. As COVID started to unfold I kept thinking that it would pass and have little impact. I remember vividly when I heard that the NBA had decided to postpone the entire season and thinking “Are you kidding me? How is this possible? Oh shit, this isn’t going away soon” 

Two months into my new speaking career and the entire world gets shut down with a global pandemic. Talk about having to navigate change! 

After my last live speaking engagement on March 6, 2020 I was on cloud 9! I had the opportunity to share my message with my dream audience; Men who wanted more from life. Men who wanted to contribute more to the world around them and create a legacy larger than themselves. 

It all happened so fast! Within a week of that event the world shut down completely! Suddenly I was forced to sit idly by and watch all of the future events I had been booked for quickly move from ‘postponed’ to completely cancelled. 

Suddenly I had all the time in the world to reflect on how I was going to navigate this change. I sat back and reflected on so many of the transitions in my life and thought about how I had navigated those. Most of these transitions I moved through unconsciously. I did so without intention. This time it could be different. This time I could be much more deliberate and intentional about how I moved forward.

Transition point: There was a time when I would have really struggled to call myself a leader. I can clearly remember the very first time that someone I was pitching an idea to said to me 

“Clearly you are a strong leader…” 

Whoa! I was impacted by those words. A transition in how I saw myself. 

Transition point: I recall being in a workshop on mentorship where the facilitator said 

“The basis of leadership is self awareness” 

While I had always worked on personal development this new knowledge caused a subtle shift in my journey as I adjusted and enhanced my self leadership.

Transition Point: As my business grew and I eventually merged my company and partnered with another exceptional leader. 

I had to learn to co-lead. 

Transition Point: Through many ups and downs my partner Gord and I ultimately found strong success in our industry.  Yet, for me, there was still something missing. From the outside looking in I should have been on top of the world. I had achieved many, if not all, of the things people in my shoes strive for. 

I started to explore how I could utilize that success to create impact in the world around me. I didn’t strive less, however that striving changed. It shifted. I was now looking at how to move from success to significance. How to create a legacy and use my influence to create a better world.

Transition Point: After selling my business not only did I have to navigate the transition that COVID had forced, I also had to navigate this shift in identity. I had to move from being ‘The Leader’ to being a speaker and coach who helps other leaders impact change. This transition would require a renewed focus and discipline. This time I was more aware of the transition than ever before. There would be much more intentionality.

As I reflect on my journey I realize that one of my greatest gifts is using my experience to coach others through transitions in their lives. 

I have assisted employees who have struck out on their own in business, I have helped many navigate relationship transitions whether by choice or by circumstance. 

I have helped business leaders as they guided the transition of thIer business through a global pandemic.

I have helped men transition from old ways of thinking into a more productive and positive view of what it means to be a man.

I have worked with youth at risk as they start their transition into adulthood. I have led groups exploring what it means to “be a man” and come out as an emotionally connected adult.

I have assisted many through, what I would call a midlife correction, as they start to realize old paradigms of who they thought they were supposed to be do not serve them any more.

I was working with my coach last week narrowing down my area of expertise. We looked at what is uniquely me and what my niche is. This is something that I have always struggled to narrow down. My areas of interest and expertise are extremely wide and I am typically reluctant to pigeon hole what it is I do. 

After some discussion about who my perfect clients were, a pattern started to emerge. Most of the individuals and organizations I worked with were navigating some kind of transition. Sometimes it was a transition of choice, sometimes a transition of circumstance and sometimes, together we would find that a transition is what was required in order to move them forward. 

So the question becomes how does one successfully navigate the transitions in life going forward and what can we learn from the transitions of the past? There is no one size fits all answer to this question. However I can assure you that success leaves clues. 

Here are some of the tools I have used to navigate transition in my life and how you can implement those tools in your own life.

Learn to S.O.A.R

Transitions can cause deep emotions to flow in our lives. S.O.A.R. is the framework I have used to help many men navigate challenging times and the subsequent emotional turmoil. We make decisions based on emotion and if we don’t understand the underlying emotions that drive the decisions we make we have no hope of living a purposeful life.

S.O.A.R. stands for: 

Slow Down,
Open Up,
Accept, and 
Reconnect with self.  

Deeply unpacking this framework is beyond the scope of this article however you can down a more descriptive infographic here. 

Reflection

Take some time to look back at some of the transition points in your life. Did you recognize them as transitions at the time? What are some of the lessons that you learned from those transition points that you can take with you moving forward?

Awareness

What are some of the current transitions that you may be going through? Those struggles you may be facing right now? Maybe they are more than struggles. Maybe they are precursors to change. They are part of the evolution of you.

Take note of how the transition makes you feel. As I discuss a lot, our emotions drive our decisions. If we are not clear on the feelings that form the foundation of our reason it becomes impossible to live a purposeful life. Our emotions can easily hijack our brain and cause reflexive responses. Understanding how we feel about what is going on around us is the first step in preventing undesirable emotional hijacking.

Intentional

Once you are aware of the transition points in your life then you can start to be more intentional about how you navigate them. With awareness comes choice. You may or may not have chosen the transition, however you can certainly choose how you navigate it. 

If you are in it against your will you can look to see if there are choices that you can make to prevent it and if not you need to decide to accept it. After all, if you have no choice, you have no choice.

Shift your mindset

What happens when you shift your language from “Why is this happening to me?” to ask the question “How is this happening for me?” A subtle but powerful shift in how we look at things that ultimately changes how we feel about things which in turn allows us to adjust how we react to these events.

Understand that the only thing you have control over is you. There are many things in life that you cannot control so do not waste time and energy trying to control the uncontrollable. 

Find support

Transitions can be challenging. Whether in business or personal life just know that you do not need to navigate alone. This can be exceptionally challenging for leaders to acknowledge. As leaders we tend to feel like we are supposed to be the ones providing support not the ones seeking it. However the best leaders know that they do not have to know or be everything. The best leaders are the ones that are not afraid to surround themselves with people who are better than them. They surround themselves with people who are willing to share their input and tell it like it is. The best leaders do not need sycophants; they need people who are willing to challenge and support them. 

Preparation

The time to prepare for transition is not during the transition. It is well in advance. For the transitions we choose we have the opportunity to be mindful about that preparation. For the transitions we do not choose we need to ensure that we have done what we can to practice some of the meta skills we will need during transition. 

We can practice recognizing how we feel in all situations. We can practice grieving loss in the smaller domains of our lives. Be assured that you will have to grieve the old ways of being for any transition. 

We can prepare by getting clear on our values and intentions so that when transition points come we have a north star to turn to when making decisions. 

I could write forever on this topic. If you’ve come this far why not take a few more minutes and put some of this into action. Take 10 minutes and write out some of the transition points in your life. Reflect on what you learned as a result of those transitions or what you have yet to learn.

Share with me in the comments some of the transition points and lessons you have learned in your life. What are some of the lessons that you struggle to learn?

If this piece was valuable to you please share it. I’d also love to hear from you directly if you are navigating a transition in your life. Send me a note at mike@mikecameron.ca

Let’s Play a Game: Reason or Excuse

It’s almost impossible to run 100 miles while puking and shitting your pants every 20 yards.

What the hell does that have to do with procrastination you ask? Today I am going to share with you a game that I like to play. A tool that I use to help prevent my proclivity to procrastination.

This tool is one that I was reminded of In February of 2020, right before the world shut down with a global pandemic. February destination races have become a birthday tradition for me and  Michelle. We were so excited to travel to New Zealand and visit our friends Tom and Sarah. Tom was also a runner and we would be participating in the Tarawera hundred mile ultra marathon together. It had been months of planning and a year of training. The race anticipation was strong. The course was largely runnable, with generous cutoff times. I had trained hard for this race, working with my coach and not missing many (if any) workouts. The course photos and videos I found looked stunning. The venue of Rotorua, New Zealand was rich with Maori culture, geothermal activity and gorgeous trails. 

After a challenging trip (that’s a whole other story) from Edmonton to Wellington you can imagine my dismay when Tom, whom we were staying with, ended up coming down with a nasty bug. It was just 4 days before the race in their small 2 bedroom house. I could hear him up most of the night camped out in the bathroom next to our bedroom. Oh the sounds of the sick do not set a good backdrop for a restful sleep. 

The good news was that this turned out to be a short lived bug. After 36 hours it went as quickly as it came. For me however, this was made for a terrifying countdown to race day. My mantra became “Don’t get sick, don’t get sick, don’t get sick”. I don’t think I have ever been so diligent with personal hygiene and sanitation as I was those next few days. We were careful not to share household items and did our best to sanitize everything. 

Tick tock… Three days pre race. Michelle confides in me about noon that she is starting to feel unwell. Sure enough she gets hit full on with similar symptoms as Tom. Oh crap, I’ve flown 12,000 km and busted my ass for a year training. Please stay healthy, please stay healthy, please stay healthy. 

I held out until the day before the race. I wasn’t quite laid up in the bathroom as the other two had been just yet. I tried to convince myself that it was more psychosomatic than anything real and that I could make myself better in the next 18 hours with positive thoughts. I was determined to make the 4am start line the next day. 

I woke up feeling very unwell but decided I would at least toe the line and could always pull out at the first checkpoint if needed. All of the runners filing into Te Puia, the geothermal attraction that would serve as the start line, and the excitement of the pending start started to buoy my spirits. The traditional Maori Haka that was performed just before the gun went gave me goosebumps and I really started to feel like I could make this happen.

Reason or Excuse

The race director calls for runners to turn on their headlamps and the once dark morning becomes brightly lit with hundreds of LED lights. The countdown goes, the Maori horn is blown and we’re off! I felt surprisingly good once I got moving and again started to think that this may be a real possibility despite the illness I was very clearly struck with.

The first checkpoint was only about 10km into the race and I was still feeling better than expected. My intent isn’t to make this a full race report so to make a long story short I made it as far as the fourth aid station, about 40 miles into the run, still moving but feeling awful. My stomach was so bloated it felt like it was going to burst. It was at this point that Michelle got my coach Dave on FaceTime to see if he could give me a little pep talk and keep me moving. 

When Dave hopped on the line and saw the obvious discomfort on my face he asked me “Are you in pain or just discomfort?” I thought for a moment and replied that it was discomfort, extreme discomfort but still discomfort. His reply? “You can do discomfort. Keep moving.”

So I did. Off I went. The next checkpoint was at about the halfway mark, just shy of 50 miles into the race. Somewhere between those aid stations my discomfort had made a sharp turn deep into the realm of pain. Vomiting and diarrhea forced me off the trail every 20 steps or so. I simply couldn’t keep any food down. At the next checkpoint I downed a glass of ginger ale in the hopes of settling my stomach. It didn’t work. I was unable to keep any calories in and ultimately had to quit the race.

Anytime I set out to accomplish a large goal, whether a hundred mile ultra or building a business, I know that I need to complete a series of smaller steps to get there. The hundred mile finish line or the success in business is pretty exciting and easy to get motivated about. However, much of the time it is more difficult to get excited about those small steps I need to take to get there.

This is where discipline comes into play. 

It is very easy to talk about the importance of discipline but not quite so easy to put it into practice on a regular basis. 

This little game I referenced earlier has become a very large part of many of the things that I undertake. While my game may seem extraordinarily simple, and it is, the game is really about learning to use my tendency to procrastinate, to become a trigger for action. This technique also recognizes that there is also an appropriate time for inaction. Sometimes moving forward in the wrong direction or at the wrong time can be detrimental to the achievement of our larger goals. 

As with any process there are times where I really do not at all feel like putting in the work to get me to that literal or metaphorical finish line. In the winter time when the weather is cold and wet there are many times when I would much rather stay in bed than get up and out for a training run. The same holds true for summer running. When it is so humid and hot outside I am very tempted to stay inside in my cool basement studio or an air conditioned office. 

When you start to put as many miles on as I do training for an ultramarathon, injuries become a very real possibility and something that you have to be aware of. A small nagging injury, if left unchecked or overtrained, can quickly become a race-stopping issue if one is not careful. The flip side is that there is going to be a fair bit of discomfort when training for such a massive undertaking. The challenge becomes learning to recognize the difference between discomfort and the very real road to injury. 

My experience in New Zealand was a good reminder of how to use this game to decide whether action or inaction is the appropriate response. 

Reason or Excuse

The game is something I like to call “Reason or Excuse”. You can read that in your head in a loud, booming, game show host kind of voice. 

Was my decision to quit the race that I had trained an entire year for, flown several thousand miles to participate in a valid ‘reason’ or had I manufactured an ‘excuse’ to allow me to justify quitting?

In this example I think the answer is pretty clear. Not being able to keep any calories in, which is a prerequisite for running a hundred miles, was certainly as valid a reason as any to stop. 

I remember the first time I shared this little game with Michelle. It was before one of her training runs and she was not feeling up to her run. She was trying to decide whether it might be prudent for her to take an additional rest day. I shared with her the ‘reason or excuse’ game which ultimately helped her make up her mind. She decided that her tiredness was more likely an excuse to not run rather than a valid reason to hold off till another day. 

While this little game originated for me in the realm of fitness it has become an invaluable tool that I use for all of my ‘go’ or ‘no-go’ decisions. Why aren’t you launching that new program Mike? Well because it is late June and I think that trying to promote a new program through July and August when most people are more interested in vacation rather than personal development is a poor idea. OK let’s test that against ‘reason or excuse’. 

There is certainly a lot of fear about putting out a new program that would make it very easy for me to find an excuse to procrastinate. So is summer time simply an excuse or is it a valid reason? Is it pain or is it discomfort? In the end I came to the conclusion that this was a valid reason to postpone the launch of the program. Not only do my clients enjoy taking time off in the summer time but I also should make time for myself this summer and enjoy the fruits of my 20+ years of labour and perhaps even take the summer off completely!

You may be wondering how you can distinguish between Reason or Excuse. The beautiful thing is that 99% of the time you will know intuitively. Like many things in life it is less about having the answer and more about asking the question. If you start to ask this question when you are making decisions to not take action, in 90% of the cases, you will very quickly recognize whether you have a valid reason or whether you are simply making an excuse.

So the last time you put off doing something how would it have faired if you had played Rason or Excuse? Would you be able to confirm your rationale for inaction was a valid reason or was it really just an excuse driven by something a little deeper?

Let me know where “reason or excuse” shows up in your life.

How to Have a Respectful Conversation About the COVID Vaccine

He sat quietly, just looking at her. His head cocked, eyes wide with disbelief. In a pained voice filled with disgust

“I cannot believe you did that” he said. 

“Of course I did!” she replied defensively. “I did it to protect all of us. It’s the right thing to do”

Tears started to well up in her eyes as the conversation continued to go south. How could they have come to this point? How is it possible that this conversation had devolved so quickly into contempt and animosity.

And just like that the first serious relationship of her 21 year old life came to an abrupt end…

Sadly, the above exchange is based on a true story. Equally sad is that it is likely not that surprising to you. Amongst all the nuances and complexities of the many societal issues we face, it appears that we seek to reduce everything down to 1’s and 0’s. Binary. Right or wrong. Left or Right. Black or White. Us vs. Them.

We see this more and more and it is destroying relationships, lives and communities at large because we do not seem to know how to have respectful conversations. It appears that the human race has forgotten how to make space for dissenting opinions. We forget that our ‘Truth’ does not negate somebody else’s ‘Truth’. In our quest for simplicity we stop acknowledging the complex paradigm that says there can be multiple truths. 

When I was recently asked to write this piece I immediately recognized the importance of this topic. While I am not one to suggest I have all of the answers, I have long recognized that often the value is less in finding the right answer but rather in asking the right questions. 

I’m sure based on the title of the article you have likely come here with a position. If it is anything like most of the conversations I have witnessed over the past few months it is likely a strong position at that. It really feels like there is no more middle ground in any of the important topics we face as a society. Our inability to have conversations on opinions that are contrary to our own is something that I find truly frightening. 

What follows are some of the things that I have found to be effective in my own conversations. I am also a guy that likes to understand the ‘why’ behind the ‘what’ so I have done a fair bit of research to better understand my observations. 

Strong Opinions, Loosely Held 

This is a mental model or thought framework often floated in tech circles. While the efficacy and value of the concept is widely debated I love this as a guiding principle for my own beliefs. It serves to remind me that there are more than two sides to almost every issue. It is my reminder to challenge what I believe on a regular basis.  

Historically I have tended to be the kind of person that, once convinced of an idea, would hold tightly to that idea. In many cases I would hold fast to an idea or belief far longer than was useful. 

So when I was introduced to the phrase “Strong opinions, loosely held” it became a very powerful mantra that allowed me to hold fast to my overarching values while still actively challenging my beliefs.

This doesn’t mean that I easily discarded my beliefs. It simply means that I continually challenge them. In that scenario one of two things happen. Either I realize that my belief is erroneous and I can let it go in good conscience or I solidify that belief even further.

Keeping this mantra top of mind in conversations like the vaccine debate allows me to more readily practice some of the techniques we will discuss through the rest of this article.    

High Conflict vs. Good Conflict 

How to have a conversation on COVID

In her book “High Conflict: Why We Get Trapped, and How to Get Out”, Amanda Ripley talks about the difference between “High conflict” and ‘Good conflict’. 

The author suggests that “Good Conflict” is productive and actually goes somewhere. It is that ongoing challenge of ideas and thoughts that ultimately lead to growth. After all, if there is zero conflict, no friction at all anywhere, then we are often left with stagnation. It is important to understand that conflict in and of itself is not necessarily a bad thing. 

“High Conflict” on the other hand is not productive and is the destination itself. It is the kind of conflict where one or both parties dig their heels in so deep that there is no moving the needle in any direction. There is no productive discussion and usually ends with name calling. 

Unfortunately, more often than not when it comes to polarizing issues, such as the COVID vaccine, it is very easy to find ourselves in “High Conflict”. 

Add to that the fact that ‘High Conflict’ is what sells. It sells movies, it sells magazines and news media. There are many institutions who rely on ‘High Conflict’ to provide massive revenue streams and as a result have a vested interest in ensuring that, as a society, we perpetuate this negative form of conflict. 

While none of this may be new information to you, I always find it useful to recap where we are and where we want to get to. For me it makes it easier to recognize when i am somewhere I don’t want to be (High Conflict) reminding me to take the steps to move to where I do want to be (Good Conflict)

How Do We Have Respectful Dialogue?

Well first off it is important to understand that, in a two way conversation, you really only have control of 50% of the equation. What I propose below presupposes that you have an interest in engaging in a dialogue. You may find that in some scenarios it simply is not worth the time and effort participating in a conversation that cannot be moved from high conflict to good conflict. I would also suggest if you are starting from a place of intent to change another’s mind you may be setting both of you up for failure.

There are lots of positives that can come out of good conflict coupled with respectful dialogue so if you choose to engage here are some ways I would suggest you approach it.

Beginner’s Mind

Shoshin is a word from Zen Buddhism that means “beginner’s mind”. It refers to having an attitude of eagerness, openness and a willingness to drop any preconceived notions. Even when dealing with complex subject matters regardless of the level of expertise one might have. 

One of my favorite quotes on the subject comes from the Zen Monk Shunryu Suzuki: 

“In the beginner’s mind there are many possibilities. In the expert’s mind there are few.”

Shunryu Suzuki

When one is well versed in subjects such as vaccine efficacy and/or safety it can become very difficult to put this concept into practice. It is easy to believe that our vast array of knowledge means that we do definitively know the answer. While at the end of the conversation we may still hold fast to our knowledge and therefore our conclusion it is rarely a useful place to start the conversation from.

If we truly care about the conversation and the person on the other side of it, it is critical to practice the art of Shoshin with earnestness. 

Curiosity

While closely related to my last point, curiosity is really the lynchpin for productive conversation. When we start with that Beginner’s Mind mindset we can come in with genuine curiosity, seeking to gain understanding of the other side of the conversation. 

In his book “7 Habits of Highly Effective People” Steven Covey’s habit 5 is very useful here. Covey says “Seek first to understand, then to be understood”. 

So often we go into a conversation with the intent to make our point understood. Flipping that around is a powerful driver for conversation. Curiosity is what gets us there. 

Curiosity is high on my list of values and as with all my top values I like to create a mantra I can grab onto when I need to live those values. 

Curiosity over judgement

This is my mantra when it comes to curiosity. It reminds me that as soon as I start to feel judgmental, it is time to put on my curiosity hat. 

There is a big difference between the inner dialogue of 

“Why the F do they believe that?!?” 

and 

“Hmmmm…. I wonder why they believe that?”   

I would suggest the latter is far more productive. One of my favorite books on coaching is “The Coaching Habit” by Michael Bungay Stanier. His mantra around curiosity is to stay curious just a little bit longer. So when it comes to potentially High Conflict conversations ask yourself that question. “Where can I stay curious just a little bit longer?”

Facts don’t matter

When we are discussing hot button issues such as vaccines you may be tempted to arm yourself with facts in order to persuade the other person of your point of view. As it turns out once an individual has formed an opinion their beliefs are remarkably perseverant. 

I found an interesting article in the New Yorker that talks about why facts do not matter. https://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2017/02/27/why-facts-dont-change-our-minds 

Peter Boghossian talks about The backfire effect in his book “How to Have Impossible Conversations”. The Backfire Effect is a cognitive bias that causes people to reject evidence that challenges their belief. This bias will often cause them to strengthen rather than soften their original stance. 

If using facts changed peoples minds then everyone would believe the same thing based on the facts. We know this is not true for a number of reasons. Over the years I have learned that for the most part, in difficult conversations facts are not really relevant. 

Acknowledge the nuance

One of the techniques for moving from High Conflict to Good Conflict that Amanda Ripley talks about is to “complicate the issue”. That is to say that there is a lot of value in acknowledging the complexity of the issues. To acknowledge that none of us truly know enough about vaccines at this point in time. 

Even the world’s foremost epidemiologists disagree on certain points. When you acknowledge the complexity of issues you create space for discussion. You remove the ones and zeros, allowing for more nuanced conversation and potentially an opportunity to find middle ground.

That’s Right vs. Your Right

According to Chris Voss, author of Never Split the Difference, your goal in any high conflict conversation should be to get the other side to say “That’s right” instead of looking for them to say “your right”. The idea is to make certain that they know that you have heard them and understand their point of view. This doesn’t mean that you agree with them it simply means that you have truly heard them. When people feel like they have been heard they are much more receptive to conversations.

In my experience this is a powerful way to slow down the conversation. Especially if things are starting to get heated. We can do this by restating what we understand to be the other side’s position. This is an active listening skill that has been taught for decades and is incredibly useful in high conflict conversations. For example in a highly charged vaccine conversation you might provide feedback like:

“It feels like you are saying that you believe there is a microchip in the vaccine and that terrifies you. Is that right?”

“It feels like you are suggesting that you are comfortable taking the vaccine because you trust the scientists who have created it. Is that right?”

Feedback questions like the above are a great way to slow down the conversation and also open up an opportunity to get curious a little bit longer. The key is to be genuine in your approach. Restating someone’s opinion with exaggerated sarcasm never moves a high conflict conversation to a good conflict one.   

Bringing it all together

The above techniques work really well to create meaningful conversations when used with authenticity. If you take nothing else away from this article I would suggest that the most powerful piece is to simply drop judgement and replace it with curiosity.

Understand that while all of these pieces may sound simple, they are not always easy to practice. So let’s practice and have some compassion for self and for others when we let our emotions get the best of us. I would love to hear from you what are some of the practices that you employ when you need to move a conversation from ‘High Conflict’ to ‘Good Conflict’?   

David Goggins Challenge to raise awareness for domestic violence during COVID-19

I was honored to have the opportunity to speak to Ryan Jesperson on Friday about the Goggins Challenge I undertook to raise awareness about domestic violence during this pandemic. You can see the Global article here. Last week I ran 4 miles every four hours for 48 hours straight. I had the privilege of being part of an online group that included some amazing athletes including David Goggins himself. Courtney Dauwalter made and appearance, along with Rich Roll, Dean Karnazes and a myriad of other run celebrities. The event was hosted by one of my favourite run filmmakers, Billy Yang.

 

5 Ways to Ensure Humility Isn’t Hurting You

Is humility one of your core values? 

Is being humble something you strive to be recognized for?

What if I told you that humility may actually be preventing you from living your purpose and creating the impact that you would like to create in this world?

You see, for me, humility has always been a value I have sought to be recognized for. If I were to put together a list of the top 10 words I would hope that people would use to describe me, ‘humble’ would most certainly make the list.

Humility and ego are tightly intertwined. They are flip sides of the same coin. So it is safe to say that humility is high on your list of values then you also have a healthy fear of egotism. You would never want to be seen as being egocentric. So far this sounds like a good thing. Right? What could possibly be wrong behaving in a manner that is consistent with the value of humility?

The answer to this question came to me a few years ago in a conversation with my business coach. We were talking about some of the things that I wanted to accomplish. We talked about the type of impact I wanted to have on this world and the legacy that I wished to leave behind. Some of the milestones I wished to achieve included writing a book and doing more speaking engagements. 

We talked about my ‘niche’ and where I felt my area of expertise was. Once we had identified the areas where I excelled (a difficult thing to do when you put such a high value on humility), we talked about what kind of plan I would have to execute in order to be seen as a leader and expert in those areas.

I confided to him that I really struggled with self promotion and putting myself out as an expert. He asked me why and I went on to explain that I just never wanted to be seen as too full of myself. I loathed the idea of coming across as arrogant in any form. I told him that I never wanted to be seen as ‘that guy’. The one who thinks he is superior to everyone else and that his way is always the ‘right way’.

Tom let me rant. When I was done, he took a long pause. 

Then he said something that absolutely shifted my perspective on appearing egotistical.

“Let me get this straight”, he said “You are so concerned about being seen as egotistical that you would be prepared to withhold from the world the gifts that you have to give?”

Boom! There it was. I had never thought of it that way. If I did in fact have information or a unique perspective that could help people achieve their goals, was I really prepared to hide what I had to offer to the world simply because of my own fear of being seen as vain or arrogant? 

That one little question completely changed the way I looked at self promotion.

Humility, Self Doubt or plain old Fear

When I started to look at this deeper, a much bigger question arose; was it actually humility that was preventing me from portraying myself as an expert in my field or something far more sinister? Could it be possible that I was using humility to prevent myself from taking action because I was terrified of what people would think of me if I put myself out there? Could it be that I didn’t actually believe that I was worthy of the moniker ‘expert’?

How many times have we seen someone in our field rise above us even though they were less skilled than us? Is it possible that we let humility and our fear of ego become a road block that they did not have? These are things that I continue to ponder to this day.

I am certainly more comfortable putting myself out there and sharing my life experiences in the hopes of serving others. Humility is still very high on my list of important values. It is one of the reasons that you will hear me use terms like “When I am at my best”. This phrase allows me to share my best practices but also acknowledges that I do not always get it correct.

So if you you are anything like me, and humility is high on your list, here are a few other things we can do to ensure we continue to honour the value of humility but not let it hold us back?

 

  • Acknowledge that this is a potential problem

    The first thing to do is to acknowledge that there is a very real possibility of your ego getting the better of you. Especially as you continue to grow and excel in your area of expertise. As they say “Don’t believe your own press”.

 

  • Start with intention

    Why are you doing what you are doing? This is a question that should be answered before you even start. When I am at my best I use this as a measure for the actions I take. I need to be very clear on the intent of what I am doing. Both on the macro and micro scale. Defining our intention can be a process in and of itself.

 

  • Present with personal experience. Use ‘I’ statements

    You may notice that much of what I write I present in terms of my experience and what I have found. I practice sharing experiences and lessons more than I prescribe advice. For me this reminds me that these lessons are just that, my lessons. Born from my experiences and not necessarily the same for everyone else.

    I am a big fan of the science of things, of understanding the ‘why’ behind the ‘what’ however, I also recognize that most of the research I read has never been conducted on me. Acknowledging that these are only my experiences helps me to stay in check if I start getting too preachy with advice. 

  • Check in regularlyTake some time regularly to check in with yourself. Measure your actions against your intention and make sure that you are still on track. I interviewed Shane Feldman awhile back, Shane was around 20 years of age at the time, and has been remarkably successful. I was struck by his humility so asked him how he managed to ensure his ego did not get out of check. Daily reflection or his version of meditation was part of his answer.
  • Surround yourself with people who will call you on your bullshit

    If you are surrounded by good people who you have shared your intention with, you can ask them to call you on it if they see you starting to let your ego get the best of you. Now this comes with a caution as well. These people that you are trusting to call you on your bullshit really need to be in your inner circle. There can be well meaning peers that may, consciously or subconsciously, resent your success and your drive. It is possible that well meaning individuals may call out ego when really the calling out may be born of their own insecurities.

At the end of the day if you stay true to the man or woman you want to be, and use that as a measure along the way, you should really be able to stay the course. Continue to put your best out into the world, do it with intention, and as always continue to #makebeautifulshithappen.

 

 

A Fathers Day Reflection and Opportunity

As Fathers Day approaches I am left to reflect on the kind of father I am and the kind of father I want to be. I am privileged to be called “Dad” by two fine young adults, a 16 year old daughter and an 18 year old son. I think often of how I can best serve them as they navigate this crazy world of ours. And while I am far from perfect, as a student of leadership it seems to me that the most effective way of supporting their growth is to take a page from Kuezes and Posners work The Leadership Challenge and Model the Way. To lead by example.

This is one of the reasons I am proud to take on a strong advocacy role when it comes to gender equity and the prevention of violence and abuse. I believe that men have a very important role to play in both these arenas. I also know that many good men, men who want to make a difference, sometimes struggle trying to understand where they can step up and pitch in. I strive to be an example for my children as to what you can do when you take a stand for something you believe in. I strive to show men everywhere how they can make an impact.

For my daughter, I want her to see that there are ‘good men’ out there. I want to show her what it means to have healthy relationships. For my son, I want him to see the same and show him how as a ‘good man’ he can step up and make a difference. I want them both to understand how much better our world becomes when we actively participate in solutions instead of simply griping about the problem.

This is why I am incredibly excited to tell you I have agreed to take part in the Strengthening Ties initiative put together by Women’s Shelters Canada. Strengthening Ties is putting together 100 founding men who will make a commitment to standing in solidarity with women who are suffering abuse. We currently have 82 men, some of the most influential businessmen in Canada, who have made a commitment to this initiative.

The Opportunity

While there is a financial commitment to becoming a founding member, I see this as an incredible opportunity to show my children and the world that men do care. That in fact 100 of us have agreed to stand together for change. So when I reflect on what kind of father I want to be I can easily say that I want to be the kind of father that Models the Way to a better world, a world of gender equity free of abuse. I want to be the kind of father that shows, rather than tells his kids how to create that world.

If any of this resonates with you as a father, you still have an opportunity to become one of the last 18 founding members. You can find information here or give me a phone call at 780.903.4000

You can see the men currently involved here as well.  

5 Ways Empathetic Listening Creates Stronger Leadership

As a business leader, one of the greatest challenges I’ve had is communicating my vision with my team and gaining buy-in. But what if I didn’t have to do that at all? What if I could turn the tables on communication as I knew it?

I found I could actually attain a higher level of buy-in with listening rather than talking. It may seem counterintuitive, however, sometimes I am more effective in communicating my vision by listening rather than talking.

So what am I talking about? I am talking about “Empathetic Listening”.

What is empathetic listening?

Empathetic listening means listening to fully understand rather than listening to respond. Let’s have a look at the definition of the word empathy:

“the ability to understand and share the feelings of another.”

This means when we are “listening” to our team we need to do so in the context of their feelings and not our own. We need to suspend judgement and potentially even suspend our own objectives in order to truly hear what someone is saying. It is about the practice of hearing through the emotional lens of another.

Why is this important?

Many leaders today only ‘listen’ to their team in order to gather fuel to defend his or her position. For me, when I was early in my leadership career the ascent was swift. I climbed the corporate ladder and eventually branched out on my own. I learned early to become a good listener. This allowed me to spot growth opportunities and respond appropriately based on what I had heard.

Once I started having some success however, it was easy to start feeling like I had to start providing more answers than questions. I had to remind myself to keep that listening mindset or risk losing the support of those around me.

I recently came across a quote which resonated with me.

“Leaders who don’t listen will eventually be surrounded by people who have nothing to say.” Andy Stanley

This can be the kiss of death to any organization. If your people stop talking, then apathy sets in. Apathy breeds disengagement and ultimately results in lost productivity. Employing the practice of empathetic listening will ensure your team feels valued and stays engaged.

Benefits of Empathetic Listening:

  1. Builds Trust
    According to the Handbook of Principles of Organizational Behavior: Indispensable Knowledge for Evidence‐Based Management the 3 critical elements for building trust are
    1. ability,
    2. benevolence
    3. and integrity.

“In order to increase trust, leaders need to take steps to increase their ability, build their benevolence, and demonstrate their integrity. Leaders can do so on a follower‐by‐follower basis, but can also take steps to create a culture of trustworthiness within their organizations.”

Empathetic listening is a perfect opportunity to do this on a one on one basis. It also helps to build a listening culture that fosters trust throughout the organization. Through better listening, you have the opportunity to demonstrate that you actually care about the well being of those you work with (benevolence). You can further demonstrate your integrity by following through on what was discussed. This follow-through can only happen once you have actually heard what your team has to say.

 2. Empathetic listening allows the speaker to release their emotions.

In business, we have long been taught to remain logical doing our best to remove emotion from the equation. The reality is that research demonstrates this is not really possible. As human beings we make decisions based on emotion, justified by logic. Allowing a healthy release of emotions is a great way to diffuse difficult situations.

3. Stress reduction

When a team feels like they are actually being heard and that they are valued they will feel more comfortable and therefore less stress.

From a leadership standpoint, decision making can be extremely stressful. You can reduce your own stress levels through better listening. Knowing that you have a more complete picture from your team from which to base decisions can help you more confidently move forward.

4. Better listening often leads to getting to the heart of the matter sooner than later.

In a sales context, I call this getting past the ‘stall’ to get to the ‘objection’. A stall is really just a deferral of a decision and not a true ‘objection’ that can be addressed. For example, a “Let me talk to my partner” may be a legitimate requirement or it may simply be a stall because your prospect feels your product or service is too… fill in the blank. Expensive, poor quality, etc.

In this case, you may need to ask more questions to get past the stall to find out what the real objection is.

In leadership, it is easy to make assumptions about team comprehension of, buy in to, or desire to achieve your organizational vision. These assumptions usually come from our own experiences and may or may not be relevant to you and your current team. Fostering a culture of listening will assist you to identify any current or potential disconnects from where you are and where you want the team to go.

5. Creates a safe, collaborative workplace that is more conducive to problem-solving

When your team feels heard without judgment they are more likely to speak freely without reservation. As previously discussed this allows the leadership team to more readily identify areas for improvement and more importantly it serves to foster a culture of collaboration. It is when our teams feel safe to express thoughts and ideas that innovation happens.

How can we do it?

If you are still reading at this point I am going to presume that you buy into the value of empathetic listening. So the next question is obvious… How do we do it?

  1. Listen with all of your senses. Check body language and tonality as well as the actual verbiage.
  2. Listen even when no one is speaking.
    I was out for a run with my Sunday run group and was discussing this topic with a friend who is in a management position. One of the things that she brought up that I thought was absolutely brilliant was this concept of listening even when no one is speaking. What I mean by that is to pay attention to your surroundings. The mood of the office, the conversations at the water cooler. Where do people light up with respect to the organization? What aspects do they dread?
  3. Be aware of raw spots.
    I first heard the term ‘raw spot’ while reading Susan Johnson’s book Hold Me Tight: Conversations for connection. The book is meant to be a guide for couples in a relationship though many of the principles are well heeded by any business leader. A raw spot can cause a response/reaction that may seem disproportionate to the situation. For example a team member who was constantly publicly berated under prior leadership may be extremely sensitive to conversations about performance no matter how trivial they may be.  
  4. Accessible, Responsive and Engaged.
    Another concept in the same relationship book is what the author describes as “A.R.E. you there?”. I have found this to be a great acronym when it comes to practicing the art of empathetic listening. These three pieces are a great checklist to keep top of mind.
  5. Ask questions: More often than not what people need are not better answers but simply better questions. In a leadership role, it is easy to get sucked into the belief that we always have to provide answers. The truth of the matter is that providing better questions is substantially more valuable than providing answers. There is also an additional advantage in that asking the right questions can actually change peoples way of thinking. There is a popular phrase in psychology “Neurons that fire together wire together.” meaning that the more our brain cells communicate with each other in a certain fashion the more those neural pathways become ‘wired together’. Asking strategic questions allows us to shape the thought patterns of our team keeping those neurons firing in a positive manner that assists in moving forward toward organizational objectives.
  6. Getting to the heart of the matter. Sometimes people are slow to have difficult conversations with leadership. It is important to recognize this and practice the art of patience and question in order to dig deeper and get to the root of an issue.
  7. Repeat back/paraphrase – Take the time to recount what you have heard in your own language and ask for confirmation. There are many times when what we hear is not what people said (or meant to say). Taking the time to confirm what you heard not only ensures clarity it also demonstrates caring, making your team feel more valued.

Bringing it all together

Empathetic listening is as much an art as it is a skill. And like any other art or skill, it requires practice in order to achieve mastery. I am going to ask you to not ‘try’ any of the concepts I have outlined above. Instead, I am going to ask you to ‘practice’ all of them. A subtle shift in language I know, but this reframing from trying to practicing can make the difference.

The beauty of the art of listening is that it can be practiced anywhere.

It requires no special equipment. Simply the presence of, and interaction with, another human being. Listening as a leadership trait is not limited to the boardroom and workplace. Look for opportunities to practice the skills we have discussed wherever you are. You can practice with your kids, your spouse, your neighbor or even your grocer or barista. Try them out and see what happens to the quality of relationships in your life at all levels!

Beware The Charlatans Selling False Dreams

Beware the charlatans selling false dreams

They’ll trick you, deceive you it’s not what it seems

Fulfillment and purpose we all seek in life

We clammer for meaning to end all the strife

 

It is out there, it is out there this thing that I know

Just be authentic don’t put on a show.

There are no shortcuts, no life hacks, no tricks

If we all helped each other we’d get there real quick

 

Is it hype or is it hope, that we can be who we want

Is it real, is it fake, is all a big taunt

While the gurus may guide you, give you tactics and tools

It is only you who can make it come true

 

Pain pills, cleaning, TV, booze or drugs

We make efforts to escape from our feelings, those thugs

We curse them, we avoid them, we suppress and we numb

The truth of the matter is there is nowhere to run

 

Unless we embrace them, emote them, let ourselves feel

There is no shortcut to helping us heal

Our wounds we will carry like scars from a fight

We mask them, we hide them, then cry into the night

 

So share them, feel them, let that shit go

It may be quite hard but it’s all that I know.

We choose on emotion, not logic or reason

The science is there no matter the season

 

They tell us be strong, be strong you can do this

The fact is they’re wrong this is not what the truth is

It is not being stoic, suppressing or avoiding

True strength is having the courage to feel them and showing

 

Show up when it’s easy, when it’s hard or it’s painful

That is pure bravery nothing about it is shameful

Know that you’re loved, you are safe and secure

Cry when you need to, take solace for sure

 

Feel all those feelings, know you’re not alone

All of us struggle, seeking a home

a haven of rest, a place to rebuild

But reach out to others chances are you’ll be thrilled

 

To see what they offer, the love and the hope

They want for you the best they’ll throw you a rope

when you need it the most you’ll find love in strangers

it is those that you least suspect that can be real game changers

 

So be strong, be strong and give all you’ve got

be courageous, be brave, it won’t be for not

feel all the feelings, show up and be seen

Be a beacon for others show them where you’ve been

International Women’s Day: Thoughts from one of Canada’s most influential women

Yesterday for International Women’s Day I did an impromptu ‘Coffee with Strangers‘ and managed to get two of the most influential women in the mortgage industry to join me for a chat. Kathy Gregory was one of them and through our conversation, she agreed to share with me her internal memo to staff. I thought it would make a great guest blog post.

Kathy is the CEO of Paradigm quest and has been named one of the 100 most influential women in Canada. She has won numerous awards for entrepreneurship as well has been inducted into the Mortgage Hall of Fame. You can watch our coffee chat here

I interviewed Kathy on my podcast a while back. You can hear that episode here.

Here are Kathy’s words to her corporate family.

———————————————————————————————————————————

Happy International women’s day PQ Family, 

I’m sure I don’t have to tell you how important this day is to me and why.  I’ve obviously been and will continue to be a strong advocate of gender and race/religion equality.  I believe it’s not only an important issue that requires my support to ensure change but a fundamental obligation.     

I dream of a day when we don’t have to talk about this.  I strongly believe achieving real gender equality begins in the home with our children. Where both parents encourage both boys and girls to dream and work hard towards being anything they want to be. Where girls aren’t just getting the easy bake-ovens and ironing sets, while boys have doctor sets and police uniforms to play with. Let’s switch it up!

Many of us dream of the day when women, our daughters our sisters and mothers, girlfriends, wives, our colleagues will be considered for their contribution and not their specific gender qualities alone. A day where every nation in the world has moved away from oppression and dominance of women to equal opportunities and rights. 

I won’t get into boring you today with mounds of statistics, but if you have time please check out the Canadian Women’s Foundation and their stats about gender equality as it is in Canada today.  

Today, on the momentous anniversary of the first International Women’s Day I feel there is a strong movement afoot. For the first time in my life it feels exciting. Yes the #timesup movement is part of that, telling the world; The clock has run out on sexual assault, harassment and inequality in the workplace. It’s time to do something about it. Not just in the media, politics or Hollywood, but everywhere. There is a fundamental horrific reason we have so many Women’s shelters in Canada. Too many women need a safe place for them to go with their children.

However, other great changes have occurred in the past year. For example a, law was passed in Saudi Arabia allowing women to get drivers licences and drive! Here  is a list of what I would characterize as tremendous positive change in the world for women’s rights.

I strongly believe there is much to do  and we need to keep this movement top of mind or the pace of change will come to a halt. I believe that what we need to ensure this much needed change in every society is the strong support of the “other” gender! It’s not a women’s issue it’s a cultural issue and it won’t be solved without men rising up with us to institute laws and stand up to men who speak about women in inappropriate ways and protect the dignity and equality of all women.  

It’s a human issue, not a women’s issue. 

Finally, if you think this is an issue just about other nations. We only have to look as far as the current Ontario PC leadership race.  Looking at the many comments online about Christine Elliot and Carolynn Mulroney for example;   I’ve read comments such as; she’s a bitch, I’m not voting for her, or Doug Ford is the only candidate, a woman can’t do this job or lead the province, they go mental once a month and I don’t watch a hormonal bitch in office; or we had a women in leadership in Ontario, it’s time to vote out women, they just all feminist lesbians.  

Yes,  we dream of a time when all women are judged on their character , their views and their ability to contribute to progress. 

Here are a few amazing speeches that I loved from many inspiring women.  I think you will love them.  I love the Australian women in parliament…wow, she was angry, but had all her facts and wouldn’t be shut down . Or Adichie, what a brilliant women, powerful speaker , author with an amazing perspective. 

International Women’s Day.   

Today is a celebration for women all around the world,

Ladies who’ve dared to dream big, ever since they were little girls.

For the diversity and talent that lie within a feminine heart,

For the courage and determination that prevents us falling apart. 

We can raise families and build businesses and be proud of all we’ve achieved

Where once over, visions of that scale, could never have been believed.

Ladies, stand up and be counted, smile at how far we have come

And Cherish every single day, as daughter, wife, companions or mum. 

Don’t let anybody tell you that there are set paths for you to follow

As a little girl with a passion, is an inspiring woman of tomorrow.

So celebrate all women, and acknowledge the great things they do

And tell a lady close to your heart, just how much she means to you.

Thanks to all of you and thanks to all of the women and men who won’t sit down for inequality,  won’t tolerate any injustice for all humans. Who care about this country, it’s future and the many injustices here and around the world.

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